The spiral continues

After I ended this, with a few minor relapses. I was on my own again, starting fresh AGAIN. How long would it take for me to have my dream? I was again, broke, living at my dad's, with a job I could barely afford my bills with, single, mentally fucked up at this point. What was the whole point of trying to be "the good girl" this entire time if it was all going to go like this?

I began partying more and more. Hooking up with "friends" to try to feel good enough. Using alcohol, tobacco, mary jane, all the substances and comfort in my friends to feel good and happy. Even though every single Sunday I battled with deeply suicidal thoughts, and I had no glimmer of hope of how I would get out of this situation. I figured I minds well try to enjoy this time while I was in search of my soul mate, so me and a close GF of mine made sure to hit the bars often. Also, I had joined a Sunday bowling league which also helped me mentally. I was able to have a close friendship with some new friends, and also see how not all men are horrible. I was lucky enough to have some very wonderful friends & family to support me - so S/O to them. I was still deeply stuck in my own mind though.

Eventually with being single, the rumors started to fly. It seemed like many people were triggered by me being single for some reason. Many people who were married or in a relationship began to try reaching out to me. Some to tell me their story and others to try to hook up. It was really defeating as I couldn’t find my person, and I got to see all of these so-called committed people reveal their true selves and learn that they all were willing to cheat on their significant other. As if I didn’t have enough trust issues at this point, this really made me feel upset thinking that what if when I found another person that it went downhill again. Would they become abusive? Manipulative? Lie? Try to cheat? Why was it like this, this was not what I had in mind. I got to a point where I could no longer mentally take what was happening. I got to the point where I hardly knew who to trust anymore. It was heartbreaking and ultimately made my depression and anxiety spiral. As a people pleaser this was also hard to deal with knowing so many people were upset by me being single or worried that their spouse would try to cheat as well.

During this time I also lost my job by the age of 25. Great, now I was divorced AND jobless. The corporate world had conspired against my awesome boss that I had, and it all went downhill after that. My boss left, and my other co-workers quit. I was the last one left, and it was pretty obvious I was being used to train the new workers, and then the day after my birthday I was let go. Could I take any more? Apparently so.

At this point I was such an anxious ball of stress; I ended up losing one of my very close friends due to this. She had distanced a little bit due to something she was going through, and I took it as oh great just another person who gave up on me. She apparently had thought the same thing in the long run so luckily we have since rekindled our friendship, but at the time this was another devastating thing for me.

Now, I had had enough trying to date and be single. I ended up settling with a new boyfriend who was a pretty nice guy. Ultimately, he was not fully my type, was much older, and had different interests than me. However, he was very fun to be around and looking back I think I was somehow using it as a crutch so that I could feel the relief of being in a relationship so that no one would keep judging me for being single. It’s sad, but I was able to avoid the rumors that were very obvious due to me just existing. As if it was my fault? But this was back when I still thought others opinions of me mattered or were made to be true if enough people said or thought it.

Eventually it hit me. There was one thing left that I hadn’t been seeking this entire time through all of my hardships and that was God. I finally decided to go see my naturopath who put me on some natural supplements for anxiety. It took a long time to work but eventually day by day I became more and more stable. My long-lost girlfriend also ended up reaching out to me and she and her friends had created a Sisters in Christ group chat, and she got me into the Bible app & an online church to connect with. This really helped me on my journey forward. I began to pray each day and be supported by those around me. 

I was able to land a job at a factory in town where I still work currently, and this made it to where I could begin to save money and get back out of my dad’s house. Each day I was there I usually ended up crying at least once a day, but it got less and less with the support of my boss and coworkers. Although, there were trying times as well. But I got through it and continued to get better.

Then something horrible happened. My ex-husband passed away. I had a lot of traumas around this. No more worrying about someone showing up in the middle of the night and threatening me. However, it was a horrible experience, and I could not believe what happened. I felt horrible for his friends and family. Not to mention the way it happened was also horrible.

Eventually I got my bearings back due to the help of this relationship. I was able to begin connecting with my friends, sisters in Christ, start working out and eating better, keep my job, have less depression, and also bought my own house in my hometown! I was making a lot of progress. 

Now mind you, I was a person who enjoyed being active, working hard, being independent, and wanted to have a life with a family and children. My boyfriend more so enjoyed solitude, being high, playing video games, and did not really want a family or marriage. There were rumors through some of his friends that he had gotten a vasectomy a long time ago, although he said he did not. I wanted to believe him, but still to this day I think I was being manipulated. I knew something had to change if I wanted to move forward. He was a nice guy and I was very attached to him, but I knew I had to let go of my comfort zone in order to be open to what was next.